Mind Fill

My vision burning
blurry holes through
the floor right
down to the
pebbles
embedded
in the

street

Here is my mind
shaken
but
never
stirred

Emotion must be choked out
and
overcome
by training
and
rote memory

Dull
coarse
and
made of oak

I have been terrified
and in avoidance
since
the last
one



Trying
and
using
every bit of my matter
and
energy
to avoid
it happening yet
again
if
not just for a
a little while

I am so happy
we
got to
you in time
yesterday


I hope you are
home
and
in your
comfortable bed
sleeping right now

You are the
reason
I do not

give up

Under The Air

Anxiety slips into the open space
just behind
the street lamps

A cool fog washes over
Detroit
and
I know I am
on my own

Solitude was
an empty promise
in the path of a dolphin
swimming through
dreams

Broken glass
violent people
and
screeching car
tires

Deception is the milk
of the razor blades
under your tongue

I don't have to love
anything you do
and it
is starting to look
like

I never will

None The Less

I started a new blog .
It is a journal of sorts.
I am feeling pretty good about it.

If you get bored , you can go check it out here.

http://nonethelesser.blogspot.com/

Time Machine (Person Place Or Thing)

Abe

"If I were to try to read, much less answer, all the attacks made on me, this shop might as well be closed for any other business. I do the very best I know how - the very best I can; and I mean to keep doing so until the end. If the end brings me out all right, what's said against me won't amount to anything. If the end brings me out wrong, ten angels swearing I was right would make no difference."

-The Inner Life of Abraham Lincoln: Six Months at the White House by Francis B. Carpenter (Lincoln, Nebraska, University of Nebraska Press, 1995), pp. 258-259.

~~~~~

"To be Irish is to know that in the end the world will break your heart."

-- Daniel Patrick Moynihan

~

~
COWARD!!
spit i think i'll spit
For all those girls, who speak contradiction
The guy who crept through the shadows everyday
to clutch his own conclusion
Watch all the blood,
as it drips from your veins you coward

Godspeed
may your death come quickly

i think i'll take this hate and ,
SPIT, SPIT, SPIT

Now as it's passed onto the next one I feel a blood rush come right over me
You know you will never be right in the eyes of the ones who know
You trusted the devil and she will betray you

Low

Why do i get shit all the time from you men
You are swine
You think dick is the answer
But its not [x2]
~
'Spit '
As performed by :
Kittie

Primum Non Nocere

I woke up and the sun raised across my worn skin like a king , or a queen , or a new dimension of wealth and understanding. A small little something is correct in the simple thought that yesterday is gone , as are the tear tracks on your cheek. I am a stone being refined by the rivers violent current. My colors and vibrancy shall no longer be ignored and a love , an honest love , is on the breast of knowledge basted in experience . These streets are my home. I am invisible and I am everywhere. I will never leave your side.

Pinot Noir

my head slips under the water

i can taste the gasoline
the silt
the romance

i can taste everything you left
behind


i can see sunlight
reflect
on top
of the water

it looks so beautiful

beautiful like every girl i
ever loved


beautiful
like every time
i died
inside

i
will
never
give
up

Anti-Hero 4 the LifE

Hospice

i have a splinter in my finger

she forgets what the sunshine looked like

each breath
is
a
war

days go by and
her eyes don't open

her organs swell
and
morphine
is passed
in hopes

that

the pain will be
somewhat
dulled

family comes
to
visit
and they talk about
how beautiful
she used to be

they talk about
when she was able
to talk

they talk about being children

and

when she

was healthy

by the time i meet them
they don't
have many
tears
left
to cry

by the time
i meet them

i have a splinter in my finger

and
she will soon

be gone

The Clothes You Used To Wear

slipped and fell

woke up
under a
microscope

under a
hypothesis

we had gotten lost
somewhere near an
equator of lies

the jar was labeled
"the human race"
and
we opened it anyway

so
now
we pay
and
pay


we pay
in our
own
blood

we pay
with our own cultures
grown in petri dishes
called society

keep your attack
and save
your words

i
don't worry for you

i am a block or two
away
and
when you
need my help

i will be there

but i am unsure
if
that matters anymore

the vampires are
everywhere now

Eucalyptus

Washed down and out
in the floods
of
damage as we
lay
empty
in the shallow
bay
counting blessings
between
hunger pains

She couldn't stop
as we swayed ,
fully exposed ,
in the wind

I caught my breath
and we held her steady

It was a
long day
A long year
A long Life
though it won't

be long enough

A soft gentle
flower planted
and a simple
wish we both
will
bury

You will be

forgiven

someday

Huron And The Hunger

the people were lined up around the block. i've never been in that place , but i know a lot the homeless around that neighborhood stay there. i see a lot of fucked up looking people chillin' outside the place everyday , though i suppose i most likely am the "fucked up" one. a woman and her young son caught my eye , as they stepped off the bus and got in line for the shelter. i studied them for a few minutes. there clothing was clean and they looked well kept. no apparent monkey on her back and little boy clutching Mommy's hand like tomorrow might never come. how does it feel to be seven years old and lose your home . your toys , your friends , and have to wonder if you are going to get to eat that night ? i thought about them endlessly that night. she was pretty , young , and still so full of life. i thought about her son's father and all the terrible shit that could have happened. i thought about how hard it must be to lay your son down to rest in a fucking homeless shelter amidst this rotting and god awful city. i thought about how many others just like her there are in my America. My America.
current projections show the homeless population at around 3.5 million people in The United States with 1.4 million of those to be children. in light of the current state of economy and all the glories Captain George Shrub belay upon us this number is at high risk of growing exponentially.
i am growing tired of the shit i am seeing. i close my eyes and i see the little boys dark brown eyes looking at me. i am done watching him starve. i am done with these fuckers in expensive suits taking long lunches and going home early. i am skipping my lunch , sharing with those that are in need , and working as hard as i can. maybe the middle class has been deleted , i don't really know . but i sure as fuck know where the working class is and what is on our minds.

it is time for the change we have been promised and there isn't time to wait anymore.

fight back.

please.

Slow Dance

The water of nights lonely grip
floods
into my swollen
eyes

Sanity was a breath
meant to be
valued and
counted
upon

I see your sad
face
washed up
on
the shoreline

I hear your plea's for
help
in my sleep
and

i cant fucking let go

The haze in your
eyes
twists like cousins
of
clouds
and
I
just wanted to be
there for you

A thousand lies and
all the desperation
of lonely earth
balanced on your
worn
breast

It was not me you were ever
so angry with

I will always
understand

I hope someday you will too

Soup Sorrow And Solid Muscle

it has been a rough go of things as of late. i suppose it safe to say i have been a bit distracted. despite the rough waters , it feels refreshing to be back on track. when the waves pound against you , sucking your head underwater , and you go for that last gasp of air only to take in water , it is never a sure thing to know if you will make it back to the surface again. the ocean is as harsh as it is beautiful.
after about five or so broken hours of sleep , last night , i finally just gave up and made some coffee and it was fucking delicious. i stretched out proper and got into the work out. somewhere in the midst of the abdominal business my shit just failed and i rolled to my side , fighting off the vomit. for the first time in days i realized how tired i am. how hard ive been pushing it. my body hurts and i only want more. i should give it a day to rest but i don't want to. i have been fucking slipping for months and it seems like such pathetic waste to me.
my boots are looking rough and my pants have a couple stains on them . we were quite busy out here today and i was so grateful for that , although we have been holding up behind some restaurant , near its dumpster coral , for the past hour. fuck. i appreciate being near the garbage area as it attracts seagulls and they squawk and cackle like maniacs as we sit and wait......doing our time and trying not to implode within our own minds. it will soon transform from Saturday , to Saturday night and i am looking forward to that. i hope we get our asses run off.
i bought the new Neko Case album today. i don't know too much about her , but i am looking forward to getting it back home ,late tonight , and listening to it under some solid candle light and fresh cool air blowing in from the window. i have been watching a lot of crazy video footage from some of the Boston Hardcore bands when ever possible. it is pretty inspiring to me. Bands like Tree were the real shit man. all business and brutal. makes me want to write more often.

i feel like i just walked out of some where i wasnt welcome. suddenly you arent nervous anymore , you are just calm , quick witted , patient , balanced , self-sufficient , and ready for a mother fuckin fight. i think i am better off alone , hungry , free , and viscous. i just wasnt cut out to be a house cat. maybe there is a person out there i can be with. maybe they will be fire in my heart and on my skin. maybe they will understand. maybe they will get it. maybe they will know just what i am saying here. maybe they are out there right now. maybe not. maybe it really shouldnt make a bit of a difference. it is a big world and i have a lot to do.
i have set up and a side some time to get tattoo'd and i am really looking forward to it. it has been ten years since anything substantial of this nature has gone on in my life , and i am ready to have some growth and energy inked into my flesh. it is time. the artist is someone i feel comfortable with and i think that this person is just perfect for the whole deal. funny how time , space , and consequence , can align you next to certain places and people in just such ways.

as fucked up as things seem to have been around here lately , i have a lot to look forward to and a lot will be going on . i have done a shit ton of dirt to be able to say that. it is easy to sit around , take naps , watch tv , and do nothing. it is a motherfucker to stay on the prowl , learning , growing , forcing growth , making muscle lean , eating healthy foods , finding good culture to ingest , and trying to help out as many people as possible. i am not fucking around. this shit i do , these places i go , these people/patients i meet out here everyday , this shit is all i have.
i think i am going to buy some new boots.

Coffee And Carrots

Last night was nice

Lonely
and
Broken

Clouds dancing like swabs of
cotton
raining over my eyelids

Fine music with
clean city air
washing my
thoughts
and
setting my
knowledge

free

A warm breeze rustles
through the field and
sets the spores
to drift amidst the
forgotten kindness
of your hand

It is difficult to breath
and
my head is
pounding


Understanding
was a friendship
buried beneath

the sea

My Farts Reek

i am waiting for the sun to set. once it is dark i am going to stretch out all my muscle's and do some push ups on the side of our rig. it is nice now because the ground isn't covered in ice and snow. we have been sitting for a couple hours with nothing going on and this is the part of the job i struggle with. i like taking point. i like sweating. i like being alone in the jungle , nervous , hungry , alert , and viscous. i want to be on the grind , fighting with all i have. anything else is un-fufilling to me. a vast majority of my colleague's get agitated when we are swamped in calls. they much prefer to get paid for watching their asses expand and stomachs swell. to be honest , a lot of these people are a fucking joke to me. they are spoiled in convenience and content to be stagnate. to each their own , but stay the fuck out of my way.
it is friday night and i am hoping we can get into some shit. i know that might interfere with my partners endless viewing of youtube videos , (see beer pong footage set to music) but i just want to do some work. friday nights have always been my favorite out here. there is something special about watching the sunset and preparing for battle , as the majority of the populace begins to unwind and forget about their 9-5 grinds. i am always so damn grateful to be out here. three days ago marked my one year anniversary out here on the street. a fair amount of time has gone by quickly. being on the road is like that... the twelve and fourteen hour days just turn into years gone by like forgotten summers drenched in childhood and fresh lake air. i can no longer imagine doing much else than being out here in one capacity or another..... invisible and waiting to serve and help you only when absolutely necessary.
for the first time in about seventeen years i have not smoked a cigarette in almost five full days now , and i do not plan on doing so ever again. i finally divorced the fucking cigarettes. i feel strong , healthy , and .....
ready.
i want as much as i can get and i want it right now.
bring the shit.
i want it to hurt.

Calm Of Grace.....

i am riding with a different partner today , thus today has been a different kind of day. she played a lot of good music and we have shared some good conversation. she even took me to a pet store to show me a gigantic tortoise. it looked like a fucking dinosaur , just roaming through the store on its own. i kept hoping it would attack someone. it is good to be out here with her . she is a smart , hardworking , altruistic , and rad person. i wish we rolled together more often. it appears as though we will be paired up again on St. Patricks day. such should be interesting.

we have been sitting for a while now. i had a chance to get an unremarkable sandwich and do a bit of thinking. no good ! i am ready to move. it is important for me to keep moving.

i can't stop thinking about the space i live in. i have lived there for three years now , and that may be a world record for me. it was suppose to be very temporary and it turned into three years. i want to throw away all the shit i have collected over the years. why do i need it? with the exception of my books , music , skateboard related items , tools , and bare essentials ; why should i need anything else to weigh down this existence ? memories ? whatever. i need to do some well thought out cleaning , and lightening of the load , in my off time this weekend. fuck all the bullshit.

i am working an early shift tomorrow and am going to check out a friends band tomorrow night. its been a while since i stood in some seedy bar sipping Guinness , spitting on the floor , and talking all the good shit. i look forward to it. Detroit is one of my favorite places to be.

i hope we move or take a call soon.

lack of movement allows me to find discomfort and instability.

it makes me motherfuckin nervous.



its getting dark and i feel like finding some Vampires.

Sometime In The Sunshine

perhaps tonight i will go home

home

the place where i will go and take
this dirty uniform off

the place with the wine i have
tucked away in my closet

uncork it
and set my thoughts free
while i listen to fine music

bob marley
and maybe
slayer
too

fucking slayer

i won't think about
too much of today

i won't think about the
eight year old

with

a brain tumor
that
i worked with
today


his endless vomiting and headache

i won't think about his
mothers

eyes

or

the tears she
fought back

i won't think about the
broken Spanish i tried my
hardest to speak
and
understand

i won't think about the fact
that
i should be better than
i am


i'm sorry
i am getting out of work pretty soon
and
i'm tired

it isn't that
i don't love you

i do

i just need to stop
thinking about you
for tonight

i just want to think about...

something else

Sanctuary Of Angels

Baby Crawfish

clear calculated raindrops fall gently through
warm,
freshly
laundered sheets of desolate air

thoughts scatter across memories
of
vibrant green grass
built like napalm
in a
jungle
of yesterday

sorrow is a pill to be taken wisely
and
with control

the aperture's of
desire
expand like
worn denim caressing
a locket worn
for all the ages

spread me out and unravel each
dried layer
looking closely just beneath
unforgiving sunlight

the warmth of the morning is
impervious to the terror of
last night
and
all these horror's we
try so hard to forget

Almost all the ice has melted away now

Time Machine (Person Place Or Thing)

Six Gun Sideways

i turned to the side
and
you weren't there

sheets soaked in
sweat
and
salt stains all about on the floor

i wonder if
you
were ever

in love before

not many days left
you could count them on your
calender

once so strong

now just a
suit
of this skin
and weak bones

nothing but
nothingness

every stimuli
a simple reminder
of
the remainder

nothing ever
stops the pain

the cancer just
kills him slowly

and
it
takes a little
part of me
too

i wrote the fucking
report as fast
as i could

so we would have
time to talk

i thought that was
important

i thought it
might mean
something

i tried my hardest...

not to cry.

Table For Two

i was thinking about spring time.

the warm sun glimmering on your
cheek
and the
morning dew
glistening in the
fresh green
grass.

breakfast out on the patio
watching
the traffic pass
us by.

my reflection shining back at you
in just a perfectly
warm
cup of coffee on
a nice little saucer
with a

spoon.

your soft skin and
a
subtle wind with
thousands
of stories
ever so gently
blowing in.

days spent
lost
in freshly
laundered
sheets and laughter
amidst all noise of
this
world.

friendship is
the most
wealth i
have
ever known.

i have been in love with you
since

the moment we met.

Before Tomorrow

the radio chatter burns into my mind
as
i try to sit still
and
think about everything.

i feel worn , tired , cold
and
very ready.

i have to be out here for them ,
waiting ,
and waiting ,
for the worst of it.


they call out a unit number close to ours
and i
flinch.

we are holding up a post just on the
outskirt of some thrashed and
forgotten
neighborhood.
the sky is perfectly blue today
and i haven't seen it look this way
in
quite some time.

i recall when i used to feel nervous
at times like this. i remember when this
meant a little more.

yesterday when we lifted her cold body off
the frozen lake
and
onto our stretcher ,
i was thinking about the ocean.
i was thinking about smoking a cigarette watching the
tide come in.

then....
i began to wonder if she had ever seen the ocean.
i began to wonder what she thought about
just before
she

slit her wrists.

Kentucky Kiss

my eyes glaze over and the snow falls and falls. my feet are cold and i don't much mind. yesterday was hell out here. i barely remember much of the day , they all just fall away so simply under the calm of cold air.
work is just work lately. the trauma , the sick , the weary , the lonely , the weak , and the lost....it is only business to me now and i pass the days away like silt under earth and i long for the fine nights next to you....
next to your watchful gaze
your smooth laughter flowing

and flowing

next to your sharp mind and soft skin
your kind whispers in my sleep
next to an eternity i have waited for you
and would so easily wait again

anything .
anything for you my dear
until the ends of all time
and over again.

we do what we want.

all i want is you.

i try my hardest.

i always will.

Slow Motion

I carried her down the stairs

Her
soft
long
black hair
tickled my face

Her limp body dangled and made me unsteady
in my steps

She was young
and
quite petite

Free
and
beautiful

I imagined her lips smiling

I imagined just a few years back
when she was
so simply

a little girl

Now a woman
Now fighting the world

So much pressure
So much life....

I hope
that
next time
she tries to commit
suicide

she fails

Cherry

The bed isn't made tonight
and
it got cold in here
very quickly

My eyes strobe

My veins swell

I see everything
too clearly
and
all too often

I wonder what I should
be thinking

Wet blades of grass blow
in the wind one by one/
Seventy miles an hour
and their movements
pulse through
my entire body


I have never made it this far before

Coffee And Asphalt

my lower back hurts like a bastard. i try my hardest not make mention of that to others , though at times it burns and tears in pain and simply sitting in one position is pretty difficult. i know it is nothing compared to what i see others out here go through. i know i don't have time to really think of myself out here. i also know that the crew that was just dispatched, moments ago , to a gun shot wound to the head will soon see things that will make them recall just how fragile we all really are. life is so precious and also so often taken for granted.

we are holding tight in some parking lot right now. it is quiet for the moment , the air is warm , my skin is cool , and the sky is so blue....it reminds me of her eyes.....her soft memories she so kindly shares and how much i think of her out here. she is a soft caress of gentle relaxation in a violent storm lost at sea and far from home......she is a friend.
so often in these few moments of down time we get i think about what we will see next.... which lives will be forever changed and how that will affect every one of us. i am always so grateful when i last twelve or fourteen hours out here and no one dies.

Every moment counts. Everything has to be worth something....It just has to. Don't waste any time and get yours. You own this.

you own this.

Pumpkin Patch

My eyes are glazed in the twisted lock of a light curl

Yesterday wiped away from my memory

A scar that ceased bleeding
and
a million miles traveled in some simple words

Take me through the tunnels etched in the mines
under this city
and
just for a moment...
wipe the salt from my skin


i think
and i
dream
this night might last for always

Often times , I love the gray sky and the rain that falls from it.

I am never going home.